Before you had a baby, did you envision a happy family, “co-parenting” with your husband, but are shocked to realize you’re doing all baby-duty yourself?

Did you envision a nice balance between work and family, but your experience is proving otherwise?

Is taking care of yourself the last item on your overwhelming “To-Do” list?…a list so long you never get to you?

If this is you…or someone you know…tune in to Mom-Tales radio today as I interview author, mom and past president of Mothers and More, Kristin Maschka who will share her journey through her post-baby “double standard” marriage, and how she changed it to get the kind of life she really wanted.
She’ll share with us how we can help to “remodel motherhood” for ourselves and for moms everywhere. She’ll gives us strategies for getting back towards the top of our own “To-Do” list and regain some much needed balance.

It’s happening today, Dec. 8th, at 1:00 pm EST on BlogTalkRadio.com/Mom-Tales

by Charlotte Reznick, PhD

*Overcome fears
*Have an easier time at bedtime
*Achieve success at school and in sports
*Have more peaceful interactions with siblings
*Reduce headaches and heal other physical ailments, and
*Learn to love and accept themselves more.

More importantly, we talked about how we parents can use these techniques to have similar success with our kids.
The entire interview is now archived and available for replay here at www.blogtalkradio.com/mom-tales.

Dr. Reznick first cited studies that have indicated that our kids are under an enormous amount of stress today…more than in previous years…and, the surprising thing she said is that their parents are unaware of it! She then cited studies on how visualization and imagery have helped athletes win races and healed illnesses.

To create her innovative program, Dr. Reznick adapted some of these visualization techniques and combined them with art, music, and traditional psychological approaches and developed a highly effective program for kids. She believes that children have innate wisdom about how to bring themselves back into balance and these approaches help them connect with that wisdom.

Then, we got to the meat of the show and discussed her 9 imagery tools (guided imagery exercises) she’s used successful to help children overcome these and other obstacles, and how we parents can use them to help our kids.

All of these guided exercises in her book can be read by you (sample scripts are included) and/or Dr. Reznick has recorded them all in the studio with relaxing music and is offering them on her website, www.imageryforkids.com (where she is currently offering special packages for the holiday. Go to www.imageryforkids.com/holidaySpecial to take advantage of that.)

The first tool she shared was to help our kids learn how to breathe correctly. She teaches kids something she calls “balloon breath.” That, as she says, is the key to enter. It’s a simple exercise than can make a powerful difference for our kids. One helpful idea here that I tried with my daughter is to have your child lie down in the bed and put one of their plush toys or animals on their belly. Then, ask them to help make the plush rise with the in-breath and lower with their out-breath.

The second tool is The Special Place. This is a beautiful imaginary place your child walks to and through the door to enter an environment that feels safe, relaxed and totally peaceful.

Her next tool is called, Meeting your Special Animal Friend. Your child’s imaginary animal friend can show up in their Special Place to help him or her with his or her current problem…like the little boy who called in his courageous lion to help him be courageous when he had to visit the pediatrician for his annual shots. Or, the little girl whose imaginary squirrel helped unlock the chains that were holding her back from expressing her love fully. (She gives many more examples of this in the interview.)

Then, Dr. Reznick shared with us how our children can meet their own personal “Wizard”. The Wizard is the master teacher. Kids can get help from their wizard on all kinds of topics. Like the boy who called in his “Spelling Wizard” who worked with him to help him memorize his spelling words and actually experienced an amazing improvement on his spelling tests. Or the boy whose Wizard helped him transform his anger.

Another technique is to have kids imagine their animal friend or Wizard gives them a “special gift.” This gift can be words, or ideas or feelings like love and courage.

I used this technique with my twins and they each had different and specific animal friends who offered gifts of peace, courage, self-love and laughter. My children also enjoyed this time in their special place playing with their animal friends so much, they wanted to stay there longer…which I allowed them to do. I can’t think of a better stress-reliever than this! It’s the most peaceful I’ve seen them both in a long time.

Another tool Dr. Reznick uses is color. Kids find it easy to imagine color and can use it to transform negative feelings and physical pain into calmer, peaceful feelings of wellbeing and healing.

For kids who are having difficulty getting along with their siblings, she recommends first eliciting a positive scenario by having them imagine what it would look like if they had a good relationship with their siblings. That way, it makes it their goal and not yours. Kids, of course are always more motivated to work on their own issues rather than what you think they should be working on. Then, guide them through the imagery to call in an animal friend or wizard who has something specific that they can use to help achieve their goal, step-by-step. This way, they’ll come up with their own answers. It also helps them take a moment and think about how they will respond to that sibling when he or she does something he doesn’t like, instead of just reacting and being reactive.

Another tool that she uses with kids is to check in with their heart and belly. As she says, there is intelligence in the heart and belly (actual brain chemicals that reside within the gut and the heart, as well as other body parts.) She asks them to check in with their heart and ask it what message it has for them today. Like the 3-year-old who’s belly told him to share. And, of course, the child was more open to accept the advice of his own belly rather than from mom…who had unsuccessfully tried many times to get the child to share with other kids.

She also has kids, who are having difficulty separating from their parents when they have to go off to daycare or school, imaging a beam of light radiating from their heart and touching his or her mom’s heart and vice versa. “It helps them go off with a feeling of security,” she says.

I found one of the most interesting ideas she had was to have the child imagine going into a body part that is not feeling well, and discovering what it had to tell him or her. Children who have frequent headaches often discover a message from that organ about how they can relieve the pain…like to rest more, drink more water or not to be too hard on themselves. She also works successfully using “energy” on children with headaches or tummy-aches, and shared an exercise we parents can do with our children.

Dr. Reznick recited a study done here at UNC in Chapel Hill where they studied how using guided imagery with children might affect those who had terrible stomach pain…the kind that was not responding to other treatment. The experiment had the kids use stones which they imagined had magical powers that became warm. They then put these “magical stones” on their bellies and imagined them releasing the pain there. The researchers found that this exercise reduced the children’s pain three times more effectively than kids that didn’t use this method. Dr. Reznick had similar success using her guided imagery CD, Creating a Magical Garden and Healing Pond, with children in a children’s hospital to reduce their pain after surgery.

She shared many more techniques and case studies in my interview which is now archived and ready for listening here at www.Blogtalkradio.com/mom-tales, along with other interviews with other parenting experts.

And again, Dr. Reznick is offering some holiday specials now at her site, to www.imageryforkids.com/holidaySpecial.html. So, if you’ve found this information intriguing, now’s the time to find out more and personally benefit from her years of research and success working with children around the world manage their feelings, creatively solve problems and strengthen self-esteem.

by Susan Stiffelman, MFT

That’s one of many clear and transforming parenting ideas that Susan explores in her new book, and discussed on the show (which is now archived and available to hear at http://www.mom-tales.com/radio-show.html ).

I found myself saying “ah-ha” when she shared her idea of reaching children where they are by connecting with them, empathizing with them and moving “alongside” them to guide them to a place of acceptance of a parent’s role as “Captain of the Ship”.

Another “ah-ha” moment was her idea of guiding our children to a place of actually experiencing their frustration when life doesn’t turn out as they hoped and they don’t get what they want. It’s such a natural mom-thing to comfort our kids, wipe away the tears and minimize the importance of upsetting events. But, according to Susan, that’s to their detriment. They’ll never learn the vital lesson of adaptation. She mentions the five stages of grief (Denial, Anger Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) as a guidepost to helping our children move in a healthy way toward becoming resilient. “A frustrated child is stuck in anger and bargaining and she needs the help of a loving caregiver to walk her through her feelings so she can come to Acceptance and move on.”

The whole idea is to shift our thinking from raising children to raising adults. We want to help guide our children to become joyful, resilient and empowered adults.

Susan also emphasizes the vital importance of connecting with our children and uses psychologist, Gordon Neufeld’s concept of the six stages of Attachment…Proximity, Sameness, Belonging, Loyalty, Significance, Love and Being Known…as a model for enhancing our bond with our children. We normally think of the bonding process as that which occurs when we bond with our baby. And while that is absolutely essential, the process doesn’t stop when they grow into teenagers. So many parents believe that their children really don’t want to have anything to do with them when the kids reach teenage years, but according to Susan, nothing could be further from the truth.

The good news is that, no matter how much of a rift there might currently be between you and your children, it can be repaired by following the wisdom contained within each of these six steps of Attachment.

You can listen to the rest of this eye-opening interview with Susan Stiffelman and catch your own “ah-ha” moment right now at http://www.mom-tales.com/radio-show.html and click on the blogtalkradio play button.

And, Susan is offering a free weekly newsletter filled with more of this parenting wisdom. You can sign up for that on her site, http://www.passionateparenting.net/thebook.html as well as ordering a copy of her book with a free download. I’m absolutely convinced it will transform your parenting and the experience of joy within your family.

Uma Thurman in MOTHERHOOD

MOTHERHOOD, written and directed by Katherine Dieckmann and shot on location on New York’s West Village, is a bittersweet comedy focusing entirely on the state of motherhood today and what it’s really like to choose to be a stay-at-home-mom.

Uma, (a mom of two) plays Eliza Welsh, a writer and novice novelist, who has chosen to put her career on temporary hold to dedicate herself to raising her children full time. “However,” Uma says, “She’s struggling with that decision. She feels fulfilled, but at as the same time, compromised by being in total ‘baby-land’ and not stimulating other sides of herself that are obviously important.” As a creative outlet, Uma’s character turns to the increasingly popular activity for SAHM’s of “mommy-blogging.” “Mommy blogging” Uma continues, “is a creative way that fits in with Eliza’s life as a mother. It’s her voice outside of this isolating experience of raising children on her own. Uma enjoyed the character of Eliza and said, “I like that she has flaws. She has anger issues, yet she so loves her kids. She’s funny and charming and real.”

Uma (herself funny, charming and very real) recalled the time on the set when she was required to run endlessly up and down the staircase of a tenement building with a dog, groceries and a baby strapped into her backpack. In fact, it probably wasn’t funny at the time as she nearly threw her back out doing it. But her recollection of having her own babies in that kind of “contraption” always made her feel unstable “as if I were trying to keep a bowl of Ice cream perched on top of a somewhat broken wafer cone. I always felt spindly and top-heavy.”

She did enjoy going back into that phase of mommyhood during the filming and very much enjoyed the young actors who she thought were “surprisingly wonderful.” However, just like all other moms, she feels bad when she has to spend so much time on the set away from her own children and tries to forgive herself when she misses out on some important event. She does make up for it by taking a lot of time off and doesn’t work as often as she used to. “As much as you want to be in 8 places at the same time you just can’t be. You only have one body and one self. But I try to make up for it by having a rich and warm family life with all of the time I do have…and I just try to balance it.”

When I asked her how having children has made her a better actress she told me, “Well, just having kids changes you completely…you are never the same. It’s also made me more appreciative of the times I do get to work, since I don’t get to do it all the time. It’s made clearer lines between my work and my life.” She also very much enjoyed working with Anthony Edwards (see my Anthony Edwards interview, posted September 28th below) and felt that he is “an incredibly honest actor, and a very good father.” She also thinks very highly of his wife (Jeanine Lobell) who is a good friend of hers. So the onset relationship was very comfortable for her.

She also enjoyed the challenge of realizing the character arc that occurs over the course of only one day in Eliza’s life. She explains, “Not a spectacular day like one in which a character collects the Nobel Price, but one real normal day. It’s an amazing way to see a character sort of broken open. It’s tricky, but fun.”

Uma was surprisingly insightful in her response when asked if Hollywood intentionally overlooks motherhood, Uma replied that “Motherhood has often been put in the third shelf. I even had a friend say to me, ‘why would I want to watch a movie about my own boring life?’ I was amazed. Do we so discredit ourselves and our experience of motherhood that it’s slightly annoying to even propose the idea of someone who is actually raising other human beings? Has that become so unimportant in our culture? The experience of motherhood from a thousand different angles, different people and cultures…each mother’s experience…and how we consider it…wherever it may be happening…it’s who we are as a people. It’s very interesting to see different people’s reactions to it. Like it’s either not worthy of consideration or they really appreciate it if they see it. Motherhood is an honest story where the mother is central to the experience; she’s being seen through her actions, instead of being used in the narrative, as is often the case…filling in the blanks about another character.”

Well I for one (and I’m guessing many of you readers) hope that this is just the start of a trend, rather than the exception to the rule. We can all help ensure that outcome by getting our friends together, going out and seeing the movie. MOTHERHOOD opens this weekend (October 22nd) in select cities only, but will open everywhere the following weekend.

Click here to watch the trailer: http://www.motherhoodthefilm.com/video.html

I started my new radio show this week on BlogTalkRadio! It’s called Mom-Tales Radio…An Adventure in Parenting. You can listen to the archived show, and find out about future show’s here http://www.blogtalkradio.com/mom-tales.

I just did the first show today and it was blast. If you didn’t get a chance to listen in, here’s a little bit of what I talked about…

You notice our little subtitle in Mom-Tales Radio is The Adventures in Parenting. Why? Because parenting is an adventure isn’t it? An adventure not unlike a road trip across the United States. Before you go on a road trip you have an idea of where you are going. You make a plan. You map it out. You book your motels in advance. You block out time to visit all the sites, the parks and historic places that interest you. You check the weather reports and pack your bags as best you can for the trip.

But what really happens when you get out there on the road? Oh, some of it may go as you planned it. But much of it doesn’t. There are variables like the place you really wanted to visit is closed for refurbishing. Or the main road is closed due to mudslides or fires. Or, the hotel doesn’t have your reservation. Or, a sudden storm has come in and all you packed were shorts and flip flops. Or…you so love one place, you decided to stay an extra day or two and cancel the next town altogether.

So the only way you are going to enjoy your vacation is…to be flexible. To go with the flow. To not get caught up in how it is “supposed to be.” To just be present and enjoy what’s in front of you. And very often, that detour…that place you visited because the one you had planned to visit was closed…turns out to be the most memorable of all.

Well, parenting is like when you think about it. You begin the journey stocked with everything you need…flush from the bounty of your baby shower. You’ve got everything organized and ready for your little bundle of joy. You’ve read the What to Expect Books and have a plan in mind about how your first few weeks with your new baby will go.

But, when baby arrives, the plan often goes out the window. All babies and all children (and all mothers for that matter) are not the same. Some babies have colic, some babies have trouble latching on to the breast, some babies need much more rocking and soothing than others. Some moms experience post partum depression. The only thing you can count on, really…is that things will be different that you had planned. That…and a serious lack of sleep.

And so it goes for the remainder of parenting. Darn if these kids don’t always follow along as we want them to! Also, we are often not the parents we had envisioned ourselves to be before they arrived.
And many times, the advice that makes perfect sense in the parenting books, just doesn’t work for you and your child.

So the only thing that makes sense…the only thing that will prevent us from totally tearing our hair out in frustration…is to be flexible. To stay present. To begin to appreciate how different…how unique…your child is. And to try different things until you figure out what works with your children…in your family.

Then once you’ve figured it out…watch out…because they’ll change. Boy, they go through stages so fast it makes your head spin. And when they are in the middle of the stage we think…oh my god! What’s wrong with this kid? What am I doing wrong? We get so caught up in trying to fix it and make it better. We get so serious about it, we forget to enjoy the adventure. We stop noticing all the great stuff. And sometimes…many times, if we just relax and wait it out (being as loving and supportive as we can) the stage is over, and they’ve grown out of it.

However, and this is a big however, sometimes they don’t grow out of it. Sometimes it’s not “just a stage.” Sometimes the challenge is truly something we need address. Sometimes it’s an issue that doesn’t go away…that your children aren’t growing out of.

In other words…sometimes it’s time to get professional help. And,please don’t hesitate to do that, because a professional can very often be the objective observer that you need and be able to counsel you and your children…introducing a different approach that makes all the difference.

Ultimately, your children are terrific kids who are very much loved by their parents. Parents who will do anything within their power to help them overcome their limitations and express the best that is within them. And that’s all we, as parents, can do for our children. That, and forgive ourselves when we blow it.

It’s so important to get inspired and stay inspired. I don’t care if you have easy going kids, or children who are “difficult:, or if you have children with a disorder or a disability, or if you are blessed to have normal, active kids and you have a busy schedule trying to balance work and family…it’s vital to nurture yourself…be good to yourself and stay inspired.

So come over to Mom-Tales.com and read from dozens of inspiring tales mom have written in. Then, when you have an inspiring moment, come share it with others. You may just be that bright light in a stressed mom’s day.

www.BlogTalkRadio.com/Mom-Tales

Amazon.com Widgets

I was lucky enough to be one of several “mommy bloggers” this weekend who were invited to interview E.R. star Anthony Edwards about his upcoming movie Motherhood, as well as his organization, Shoe4Africa.org (more on that later.)

First go the website and watch the trailer. http://www.motherhoodthefilm.com/ and then tell me if this doesn’t look like a typical day at the office for SAHMs…well for those that live in NYC.  But, there are moments we can all relate to.  And it’s great to finally see a movie being made these days that focuses entirely on the adventure of parenting, instead of having the fact revealed through backstory in a formulaic action movie.  The film was written and directed by Kathleen Deickmann (Diggers, A Good Baby) and stars Uma Thurman, Anthony Edwards and Minnie Driver, and is due out Oct. 23rd.

Edwards, who stars as Uma’s good-natured but absent-minded husband, is for the most part, a stay-at-home father of four. He’s had that luxury (if that’s what you want to call it) since his long-running gig on ER ended about 4 years ago.  And he likes it that way. “In fact,” he says, “the work doesn’t fufill me as much as being with the kids.”  His kids are his priority.  In fact, during this interview he was actually pushing his 7-yr-old daughter’s bike to the bike shop to fix a flat.

Edwards took a break from full time parenting to make this movie because he wanted to be involved in a movie that doesn’t trivialize or generalize parenting, but instead embraces its complexity.  “It felt very organic and real. It reminded me of what the dynamic of  the family is like…in a way I haven’t seen on film before.”  

He also thoroughly enjoyed working with the young actors in the film. “The funny thing about little kids on the set is that they know everybody’s line…theirs and yours as well. In fact, you can sometimes see them mouthing the lines along with you. And if you miss anything they look at you like, ‘What’s wrong with you”’?

Edwards, having been raised by a strong mom, and now surrounded by strong women, has nothing but respect for women, and mothers, in particular.  All of which may have inspired him to get involved with the Shoe 4 Africa organization which, for one thing, works to empower African women to take leadership roles. 

The organization is also raising money to build the first public hospital in Kenya, which will serve 22 million people. His first fundraising event takes place November 1st when he runs the New York City Marathon. The idea is to get 500,000 people to donate $10. That’s what it will take. Sounds doable doesn’t it?  Go to their website here http://community.shoe4africa.org/ learn more about it and donate via Pay Pal.

Back to his role as real life father, what’s Anthony Edwards best tip for dads?  “Remind yourself there’s so much to learn and it’s okay to ask questions and figure out a better way to do things. There is no handbook. The parent I try to be is one who tries hard not to lose his temper. It can be a frustrating job, but my frustrations have nothing to do with what my child is going through.”

Physics Professor Amit Goswami says, “It is consciousness, thru the conversion of possibility into actuality, that creates what we see manifest.” Deep, huh? So, what are we imagining is possible for us today?