Raising Adults

by Susan Stiffelman, MFT

Yesterday I had the pleasure of interviewing parenting coach and author of the new book, Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids while Staying Cool, Calm and Connected, Susan Stiffelman, MFT on Mom-Tales Radio. We spent the hour role-playing parent and child interactions to illustrate the difference between effective parenting and ineffective parenting. I must admit, it was great fun to be the voice of my daughter…whining, demanding and digging in her heels as I’ve seen her do countless times. But it wasn’t until role-playing the parent, with Susan as the child, did I hear what I sounded like…a nagging, negotiating and often desperate mom who needs to have my children behave a certain way because it makes me feel better. She explained how parents try unsuccessfully to rationalize why something is not good for their kids (which she terms “above the neck”) when they can’t hear it because they’re complete taken over by their emotional self (“below the neck.”)

That’s one of many clear and transforming parenting ideas that Susan explores in her new book, and discussed on the show (which is now archived and available to hear at http://www.mom-tales.com/radio-show.html ).

I found myself saying “ah-ha” when she shared her idea of reaching children where they are by connecting with them, empathizing with them and moving “alongside” them to guide them to a place of acceptance of a parent’s role as “Captain of the Ship”.

Another “ah-ha” moment was her idea of guiding our children to a place of actually experiencing their frustration when life doesn’t turn out as they hoped and they don’t get what they want. It’s such a natural mom-thing to comfort our kids, wipe away the tears and minimize the importance of upsetting events. But, according to Susan, that’s to their detriment. They’ll never learn the vital lesson of adaptation. She mentions the five stages of grief (Denial, Anger Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) as a guidepost to helping our children move in a healthy way toward becoming resilient. “A frustrated child is stuck in anger and bargaining and she needs the help of a loving caregiver to walk her through her feelings so she can come to Acceptance and move on.”

The whole idea is to shift our thinking from raising children to raising adults. We want to help guide our children to become joyful, resilient and empowered adults.

Susan also emphasizes the vital importance of connecting with our children and uses psychologist, Gordon Neufeld’s concept of the six stages of Attachment…Proximity, Sameness, Belonging, Loyalty, Significance, Love and Being Known…as a model for enhancing our bond with our children. We normally think of the bonding process as that which occurs when we bond with our baby. And while that is absolutely essential, the process doesn’t stop when they grow into teenagers. So many parents believe that their children really don’t want to have anything to do with them when the kids reach teenage years, but according to Susan, nothing could be further from the truth.

The good news is that, no matter how much of a rift there might currently be between you and your children, it can be repaired by following the wisdom contained within each of these six steps of Attachment.

You can listen to the rest of this eye-opening interview with Susan Stiffelman and catch your own “ah-ha” moment right now at http://www.mom-tales.com/radio-show.html and click on the blogtalkradio play button.

And, Susan is offering a free weekly newsletter filled with more of this parenting wisdom. You can sign up for that on her site, http://www.passionateparenting.net/thebook.html as well as ordering a copy of her book with a free download. I’m absolutely convinced it will transform your parenting and the experience of joy within your family.