Raising Adults

Yesterday I had the pleasure of interviewing parenting coach and author of the new book, Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids while Staying Cool, Calm and Connected, Susan Stiffelman, MFT on Mom-Tales Radio. We spent the hour role-playing parent and child interactions to illustrate the difference between effective parenting and ineffective parenting. I must admit, it was great fun to be the voice of my daughter…whining, demanding and digging in her heels as I’ve seen her do countless times. But it wasn’t until role-playing the parent, with Susan as the child, did I hear what I sounded like…a nagging, negotiating and often desperate mom who needs to have my children behave a certain way because it makes me feel better. She explained how parents try unsuccessfully to rationalize why something is not good for their kids (which she terms “above the neck”) when they can’t hear it because they’re complete taken over by their emotional self (“below the neck.”)

That’s one of many clear and transforming parenting ideas that Susan explores in her new book, and discussed on the show (which is now archived and available to hear at http://www.mom-tales.com/radio-show.html ).

I found myself saying “ah-ha” when she shared her idea of reaching children where they are by connecting with them, empathizing with them and moving “alongside” them to guide them to a place of acceptance of a parent’s role as “Captain of the Ship”.

Another “ah-ha” moment was her idea of guiding our children to a place of actually experiencing their frustration when life doesn’t turn out as they hoped and they don’t get what they want. It’s such a natural mom-thing to comfort our kids, wipe away the tears and minimize the importance of upsetting events. But, according to Susan, that’s to their detriment. They’ll never learn the vital lesson of adaptation. She mentions the five stages of grief (Denial, Anger Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) as a guidepost to helping our children move in a healthy way toward becoming resilient. “A frustrated child is stuck in anger and bargaining and she needs the help of a loving caregiver to walk her through her feelings so she can come to Acceptance and move on.”

The whole idea is to shift our thinking from raising children to raising adults. We want to help guide our children to become joyful, resilient and empowered adults.

Susan also emphasizes the vital importance of connecting with our children and uses psychologist, Gordon Neufeld’s concept of the six stages of Attachment…Proximity, Sameness, Belonging, Loyalty, Significance, Love and Being Known…as a model for enhancing our bond with our children. We normally think of the bonding process as that which occurs when we bond with our baby. And while that is absolutely essential, the process doesn’t stop when they grow into teenagers. So many parents believe that their children really don’t want to have anything to do with them when the kids reach teenage years, but according to Susan, nothing could be further from the truth.

The good news is that, no matter how much of a rift there might currently be between you and your children, it can be repaired by following the wisdom contained within each of these six steps of Attachment.

You can listen to the rest of this eye-opening interview with Susan Stiffelman and catch your own “ah-ha” moment right now at http://www.mom-tales.com/radio-show.html and click on the blogtalkradio play button.

And, Susan is offering a free weekly newsletter filled with more of this parenting wisdom. You can sign up for that on her site, http://www.passionateparenting.net/thebook.html as well as ordering a copy of her book with a free download. I’m absolutely convinced it will transform your parenting and the experience of joy within your family.

Uma Thurman on Motherhood…An Interview

Uma Thurman in MOTHERHOOD

Last week I (along with other “mommy-bloggers”) had the good fortune of being invited to interview Uma Thurman as she was promoting her most recent film, MOTHERHOOD. This, in a long line of hit movies including DANGEROUS LIASONS, PULP FICTION, BATMAN & ROBIN, GET SHORTY and the KILL BILL movies).

MOTHERHOOD, written and directed by Katherine Dieckmann and shot on location on New York’s West Village, is a bittersweet comedy focusing entirely on the state of motherhood today and what it’s really like to choose to be a stay-at-home-mom.

Uma, (a mom of two) plays Eliza Welsh, a writer and novice novelist, who has chosen to put her career on temporary hold to dedicate herself to raising her children full time. “However,” Uma says, “She’s struggling with that decision. She feels fulfilled, but at as the same time, compromised by being in total ‘baby-land’ and not stimulating other sides of herself that are obviously important.” As a creative outlet, Uma’s character turns to the increasingly popular activity for SAHM’s of “mommy-blogging.” “Mommy blogging” Uma continues, “is a creative way that fits in with Eliza’s life as a mother. It’s her voice outside of this isolating experience of raising children on her own. Uma enjoyed the character of Eliza and said, “I like that she has flaws. She has anger issues, yet she so loves her kids. She’s funny and charming and real.”

Uma (herself funny, charming and very real) recalled the time on the set when she was required to run endlessly up and down the staircase of a tenement building with a dog, groceries and a baby strapped into her backpack. In fact, it probably wasn’t funny at the time as she nearly threw her back out doing it. But her recollection of having her own babies in that kind of “contraption” always made her feel unstable “as if I were trying to keep a bowl of Ice cream perched on top of a somewhat broken wafer cone. I always felt spindly and top-heavy.”

She did enjoy going back into that phase of mommyhood during the filming and very much enjoyed the young actors who she thought were “surprisingly wonderful.” However, just like all other moms, she feels bad when she has to spend so much time on the set away from her own children and tries to forgive herself when she misses out on some important event. She does make up for it by taking a lot of time off and doesn’t work as often as she used to. “As much as you want to be in 8 places at the same time you just can’t be. You only have one body and one self. But I try to make up for it by having a rich and warm family life with all of the time I do have…and I just try to balance it.”

When I asked her how having children has made her a better actress she told me, “Well, just having kids changes you completely…you are never the same. It’s also made me more appreciative of the times I do get to work, since I don’t get to do it all the time. It’s made clearer lines between my work and my life.” She also very much enjoyed working with Anthony Edwards (see my Anthony Edwards interview, posted September 28th below) and felt that he is “an incredibly honest actor, and a very good father.” She also thinks very highly of his wife (Jeanine Lobell) who is a good friend of hers. So the onset relationship was very comfortable for her.

She also enjoyed the challenge of realizing the character arc that occurs over the course of only one day in Eliza’s life. She explains, “Not a spectacular day like one in which a character collects the Nobel Price, but one real normal day. It’s an amazing way to see a character sort of broken open. It’s tricky, but fun.”

Uma was surprisingly insightful in her response when asked if Hollywood intentionally overlooks motherhood, Uma replied that “Motherhood has often been put in the third shelf. I even had a friend say to me, ‘why would I want to watch a movie about my own boring life?’ I was amazed. Do we so discredit ourselves and our experience of motherhood that it’s slightly annoying to even propose the idea of someone who is actually raising other human beings? Has that become so unimportant in our culture? The experience of motherhood from a thousand different angles, different people and cultures…each mother’s experience…and how we consider it…wherever it may be happening…it’s who we are as a people. It’s very interesting to see different people’s reactions to it. Like it’s either not worthy of consideration or they really appreciate it if they see it. Motherhood is an honest story where the mother is central to the experience; she’s being seen through her actions, instead of being used in the narrative, as is often the case…filling in the blanks about another character.”

Well I for one (and I’m guessing many of you readers) hope that this is just the start of a trend, rather than the exception to the rule. We can all help ensure that outcome by getting our friends together, going out and seeing the movie. MOTHERHOOD opens this weekend (October 22nd) in select cities only, but will open everywhere the following weekend.

Click here to watch the trailer: http://www.motherhoodthefilm.com/video.html

Parenting is a Lot Like a Road Trip

I started my new radio show this week on BlogTalkRadio! It’s called Mom-Tales Radio…An Adventure in Parenting. You can listen to the archived show, and find out about future show’s here http://www.blogtalkradio.com/mom-tales.

I just did the first show today and it was blast. If you didn’t get a chance to listen in, here’s a little bit of what I talked about…

You notice our little subtitle in Mom-Tales Radio is The Adventures in Parenting. Why? Because parenting is an adventure isn’t it? An adventure not unlike a road trip across the United States. Before you go on a road trip you have an idea of where you are going. You make a plan. You map it out. You book your motels in advance. You block out time to visit all the sites, the parks and historic places that interest you. You check the weather reports and pack your bags as best you can for the trip.

But what really happens when you get out there on the road? Oh, some of it may go as you planned it. But much of it doesn’t. There are variables like the place you really wanted to visit is closed for refurbishing. Or the main road is closed due to mudslides or fires. Or, the hotel doesn’t have your reservation. Or, a sudden storm has come in and all you packed were shorts and flip flops. Or…you so love one place, you decided to stay an extra day or two and cancel the next town altogether.

So the only way you are going to enjoy your vacation is…to be flexible. To go with the flow. To not get caught up in how it is “supposed to be.” To just be present and enjoy what’s in front of you. And very often, that detour…that place you visited because the one you had planned to visit was closed…turns out to be the most memorable of all.

Well, parenting is like when you think about it. You begin the journey stocked with everything you need…flush from the bounty of your baby shower. You’ve got everything organized and ready for your little bundle of joy. You’ve read the What to Expect Books and have a plan in mind about how your first few weeks with your new baby will go.

But, when baby arrives, the plan often goes out the window. All babies and all children (and all mothers for that matter) are not the same. Some babies have colic, some babies have trouble latching on to the breast, some babies need much more rocking and soothing than others. Some moms experience post partum depression. The only thing you can count on, really…is that things will be different that you had planned. That…and a serious lack of sleep.

And so it goes for the remainder of parenting. Darn if these kids don’t always follow along as we want them to! Also, we are often not the parents we had envisioned ourselves to be before they arrived.
And many times, the advice that makes perfect sense in the parenting books, just doesn’t work for you and your child.

So the only thing that makes sense…the only thing that will prevent us from totally tearing our hair out in frustration…is to be flexible. To stay present. To begin to appreciate how different…how unique…your child is. And to try different things until you figure out what works with your children…in your family.

Then once you’ve figured it out…watch out…because they’ll change. Boy, they go through stages so fast it makes your head spin. And when they are in the middle of the stage we think…oh my god! What’s wrong with this kid? What am I doing wrong? We get so caught up in trying to fix it and make it better. We get so serious about it, we forget to enjoy the adventure. We stop noticing all the great stuff. And sometimes…many times, if we just relax and wait it out (being as loving and supportive as we can) the stage is over, and they’ve grown out of it.

However, and this is a big however, sometimes they don’t grow out of it. Sometimes it’s not “just a stage.” Sometimes the challenge is truly something we need address. Sometimes it’s an issue that doesn’t go away…that your children aren’t growing out of.

In other words…sometimes it’s time to get professional help. And,please don’t hesitate to do that, because a professional can very often be the objective observer that you need and be able to counsel you and your children…introducing a different approach that makes all the difference.

Ultimately, your children are terrific kids who are very much loved by their parents. Parents who will do anything within their power to help them overcome their limitations and express the best that is within them. And that’s all we, as parents, can do for our children. That, and forgive ourselves when we blow it.

It’s so important to get inspired and stay inspired. I don’t care if you have easy going kids, or children who are “difficult:, or if you have children with a disorder or a disability, or if you are blessed to have normal, active kids and you have a busy schedule trying to balance work and family…it’s vital to nurture yourself…be good to yourself and stay inspired.

So come over to Mom-Tales.com and read from dozens of inspiring tales mom have written in. Then, when you have an inspiring moment, come share it with others. You may just be that bright light in a stressed mom’s day.

www.BlogTalkRadio.com/Mom-Tales

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Olivia?

What do you do with an energetic, active, loud and creative kid? Play a song, turn on the camera and press record. Olivia Coen sings all the nun parts from The Sound of Music’s How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?…In one take!

Hot new items for your home and garden

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Anthony Edwards, star of ER and the new movie Motherhood

I was lucky enough to be one of several “mommy bloggers” this weekend who were invited to interview E.R. star Anthony Edwards about his upcoming movie Motherhood, as well as his organization, Shoe4Africa.org (more on that later.)

First go the website and watch the trailer. http://www.motherhoodthefilm.com/ and then tell me if this doesn’t look like a typical day at the office for SAHMs…well for those that live in NYC.  But, there are moments we can all relate to.  And it’s great to finally see a movie being made these days that focuses entirely on the adventure of parenting, instead of having the fact revealed through backstory in a formulaic action movie.  The film was written and directed by Kathleen Deickmann (Diggers, A Good Baby) and stars Uma Thurman, Anthony Edwards and Minnie Driver, and is due out Oct. 23rd.

Edwards, who stars as Uma’s good-natured but absent-minded husband, is for the most part, a stay-at-home father of four. He’s had that luxury (if that’s what you want to call it) since his long-running gig on ER ended about 4 years ago.  And he likes it that way. “In fact,” he says, “the work doesn’t fufill me as much as being with the kids.”  His kids are his priority.  In fact, during this interview he was actually pushing his 7-yr-old daughter’s bike to the bike shop to fix a flat.

Edwards took a break from full time parenting to make this movie because he wanted to be involved in a movie that doesn’t trivialize or generalize parenting, but instead embraces its complexity.  “It felt very organic and real. It reminded me of what the dynamic of  the family is like…in a way I haven’t seen on film before.”  

He also thoroughly enjoyed working with the young actors in the film. “The funny thing about little kids on the set is that they know everybody’s line…theirs and yours as well. In fact, you can sometimes see them mouthing the lines along with you. And if you miss anything they look at you like, ‘What’s wrong with you”’?

Edwards, having been raised by a strong mom, and now surrounded by strong women, has nothing but respect for women, and mothers, in particular.  All of which may have inspired him to get involved with the Shoe 4 Africa organization which, for one thing, works to empower African women to take leadership roles. 

The organization is also raising money to build the first public hospital in Kenya, which will serve 22 million people. His first fundraising event takes place November 1st when he runs the New York City Marathon. The idea is to get 500,000 people to donate $10. That’s what it will take. Sounds doable doesn’t it?  Go to their website here http://community.shoe4africa.org/ learn more about it and donate via Pay Pal.

Back to his role as real life father, what’s Anthony Edwards best tip for dads?  “Remind yourself there’s so much to learn and it’s okay to ask questions and figure out a better way to do things. There is no handbook. The parent I try to be is one who tries hard not to lose his temper. It can be a frustrating job, but my frustrations have nothing to do with what my child is going through.”

Mom-Tales.com: The Place to Share Your Parenting Stories!

If you’ve got kids…you’ve got a story! Don’t keep it to yourself…share your challenges, inspiration, funny moments and what works for you at Mom-Tales.com

Physics Professor Amit Goswami says, “It is consciousness, thru the conversion of possibility into actuality, that creates what we see manifest.” Deep, huh? So, what are we imagining is possible for us today?

“I Love You 250 and 6″

Our “countdown to Mother’s Day” continues with one my favorite stories a mother of two send in to us.

I love being a Mom because my children make me a better person. They may be the toughest bosses I have ever had, and the pay is not great, but hearing them say, “I love you Mommy” with the warmth of a great big hug or seeing the delight in their face when they master something makes the rewards of being a Mother so worth it! When I was out climbing the corporate ladder, kids were the furthest thing from my mind. I had to endure a life-threatening skiing accident to wake me up to motherhood. After that, I realized life was not all about work (my husband always pointed out that I lived to work and he worked to live), and we made the decision to start a family. It is the best gift I have ever received, and now I work to live for my children.

Here are some memorable moments about my kiddos from the journals I keep for them:

From my journal about Madison (now age 6):
Today is September 11, 2006 (5 years after the 9/11 attacks). We were sitting at breakfast today watching the news, and I was already quite emotional when I looked over at you and saw you saluting during the National Anthem. When I asked you what you were doing, you said you were saluting like the guy on TV. I knew you did not understand completely, but you made me so proud. You are so young, yet so profound in so many ways. Like the other day when you told Daddy you were sorry for growing up too fast. You completely brought a tear to his eye. You are very special my little princess, and I love you very much or should I say “all the way around my back.”

From my journal about Brayden (now age 3):
You say the cutest things all the time. One of those things happens to be when you tell us you love us! You will say something like, “I love you $15 or I love you 250 and 6.” I just want to take you and eat you up!!! Then there are the times you don’t sleep through the night, and I want to send you to the moon…not this morning though. When you crawled into bed, you laid on my chest in the fetal position, and I held you there just like when you were a baby. It put such a beautiful smile on my face and in my heart as I laid there staring at you and sucking in your every little breath hitting my lips!

Thank you,
Camie Dunbar
(AKA Madison, 6, and 3-yr-old Brayden’s Mom)

Our countdown to Mother’s Day continues with the funny story sent in from a mom in Maui…http://ping.fm/MNWTP, “Mom, is it fun being tall?”